random words to be hosted. mostly my thoughts and such in a blog format. it is to be read from the top down,
and each article will be signed by my private gpg key, hosted on https://meox.moe/meox/about/meox_.html

~
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05/11/2026 - 1:30 pm PST

(this is just writing about stuff thats on my head. i just took my adderall so its going to be a little disjointed)

well, i suppose i should start talking about stuff from here on out. i have a lot of words written in my notebook
but i am not sure if i really want to port those over to here. the notebooks go back to i think 2022 when i was
head-over-heels for akuji. blah. what a time. a lot of things happened since then. in terms of relationships, i went through
quite the change. i locked onto a girl named GlitchyGrl. she was very kind, but our relationship values were incongruent.
she was very... monogamous... and i was not really free expressing my sexual and emotional feelings towards others, which
i now have access to. admittedly, it is much more laid back now. she taught me so much about myself so i cannot say i will
ever forget her. taught me how to love, cry, fight back against the sadness. she truly loved me, and i honestly feel bad that
we had to go our seperate ways. this section i admittedly hope hes reads someday, i really didnt intend to never talk to her again...
but if it has to be that way i guess i cannot change it.

after that 4 year excursion i found someone a lot more compatable with me. while i was with GlitchyGrl, i actually started exploring
my sexual and gender identity more but i was ashamed to ever be seen as a girl. never told anyone. honestly it was very hard. that
changed when i met another trans girl by the name of ShowMe7 in the discord server Minecraft@Home(https://discord.gg/mch if they have
not lost the vanity link). they helped me gain confidence in myself and because of them i finally came out.
coming out to my family was hard(no shit). really i was most worried about three people; my dad, brother and grandpa.
my grandpa would immediately excommunicat me if he ever found out. my brother has a disdain for it but i dont make it my whole personality
so he tolerates it. same with my dad. but yeah. ShowMe7(https://meox.moe/user/showme7/about/showme7.html) and i have been dating for
like 9ish months now. fun stuff!

i will mention some stuff about a third party. i will not being saying who they are but im sure the people who know me
already know who im talking about. if you dont, use your magical powers of extrapolation! haha. but it is going good so far.
Showme7 is okay with it. she understands my point of view and even partakes in it.
boy, i love talking in T & U!

one more thing before i go. i met up with a cute boy last weekend. i absolutely lost my mind with him. he was so cute and i just wanted
to talk with him so so much. i just,, aah. i gave him my number and he texted me back. i called him cute and he hasnt responded back.
oh well. if that ruined things, so be it. he taught me some things about myself and i think was a generally good influence. so thank you,
Emmett
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05-22-2026

its been a while now, i suppose i should write another entry.
today was interesting. it has now been cemented in my mind that cognitohazards are very much real and will cause harm.
i learned this in a not-so-fun way while discussing some things. oh well. i didnt read it all, i mostly just skimmed it.
ive also been having some very vivid dreams, even moreso than what most people would call normally vivid. last night i went to sleep at 10 pm. i woke up the following evening
at 2 pm. you read that correctly, that was 16 hours of sleep. you may wonder "what the hell did meox do to sleep that long", and i honestly could not give you an
answer. its funny. in all of my dreams, i never use my powers of nightly lucidity to harm others. mostly i tend to be a citizen of my own world. not last night.
last night someone pissed me off by disrespecting my grandma and i did not let him off nicely.

im also back from my friends house. i worked on some wiring and soldered an esp01 to some stuff for mavlink telemetry over wifi. pretty simple stuff.
since i got back i have been messing with my fpv drone for the first time in a while. trying to get mavlink to work on betaflight devices is like
trying to get mosquitos to fly in a straight line. or however the saying goes.
i really miss my friend. i do kinda go there bi-weekly to do "work ajacent" things, but i enjoy it. that kinda ties into the first thing i wrote about.
what worth does a person have if not for what they do or say? not just for other people, but for yourself? my entire life i lived under the
assumption that my entire worth was what i brought to the table, what i as able to do, acomplish. but i guess thats not true?
i was taught this way, the world reflects this view, and now im being told that it is incorrect? it feels so incredibly alien to me that
...
i dont know where im going with this. i need to write more on the computer.
guess im also watching lain again, thats neat. also
my truenas went down today, the HBA overheated. so i got the fun oppertunity to fix that or something. systemd was taking a horribly long time to restart/boot up.
somehw i fixed it just by waiting? also i switched the NFS mount scripts to use NFS v4.1 because it seems more stable. i know theres something else im missing here
looking around my room doesnt ring any bells of what i want to put here. guess that sucks.

i really ought to make these records more often. with how infrequent they currently are, nobody marking these records could find any trends. that is not my intention
so i will try to write more.
also, to that server, cognitohazard, sorry. i dont know how people can accept me even if i did something wrong. its not often that people see the difference
between what i think and what i am. they attacked my idea and it felt like an attack upon me. usually the two are synonymous, but not this time. or at least
this time they said they cared about me and that the way i was thinking and how it was beaten into me was wrong. it was weird and it made me feel *deeply* uncomfortable.
but it seems like thats not normal for me to feel? im supposed to help support these people and these people help support me. i thank them. but still, it will take quite
a while of reflashing on my part to understand.
im no stranger to having a fair chunk of text written down, but it usually takes the form of 9 pages of college ruled notebook. this way seems more "pure"? i only write like
this because i dont think anyone wants to see my immense number of notebook pages. i really ought to digitize them. that is a project for a later time. not today, but ready the scanner

meoxi
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people tell me that im a girl but i dont feel like it. i want to be a girl but i never will i think. it makes me sad
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june 10 12:00am
meow. lots of big thoughts in my head. protocols of things im making but cant find the time. i want to be able to express my everything but i cannot find the voice.

i dont feel at home here anymore. i want to go home, to my real home but it does not exist anymore. even what i used to go through would be better than this. im driftwood now. no control over where anything takes me. paralyzed in a way

its so quiet. i visit my friends so much more often than i see other people, it is genuinely disheartening

so i guess im just gonna keep existing even though it really seems this world dosent want me to

some people seem to know where theyre going, but i dont. dont know whats wrong with me

dont see any reason to keep going though. i never have. fading out of relevance with people who know me. i have three friends now. three online friends. i cannot bring myself to talk to anyone else. its like when you eat too much of a really rich food and you feel sick to take another bite

ah, also, my github got suspended even though i havent posted to it in a very long while

i missed my intake appointment with my therapist too. so i guess i have to call them or something? but i just cant anymore. i have fallen apart and see no reason to go on. guess the only reasons i havent blown my shit clean off are that i dont have a gun and i have three friends who care about me a lot. i have not known any of these people for more than a year

its weird how my dreams are always about a month off. my grandma died a while ago because of health problems. nearly every dream i have been having involves her, but only last night did she die. i think i should be more sad than i am, given that i was very close with her

whatever. im just feeling a general sense of malease. sometimes i wish i could convice my mind its in a different place with different rules that is kinder to me

why do people hate those who try to escape their situation in their mind? or in the internet? thats really all im doing here! why even have a biological mind? im making something better. im building something magical
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Thu Jun 11 05:31:00 AM PDT 2026
this is a test of a simple bash script i wrote in order to waste less time admining this page. test, test. is this read?
~
meox
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Thu Jun 11 05:46:54 AM PDT 2026
okay, actually i gotta ask; is there information that is dangerous, not only to other people, but to your own mind? i think i have found something about something else
its weird really. not sure how to put it. its like this feeling that we only inhabit a level of a universe. some set scale. we cant go too big
or the speed of light becomes a problem, and we cant go too small or our tools become a problem. does it bother you that the distance we can zoom in seems to be about the same distance we can zoom out?
this could be some insane ramblings without sleep, but i have been doing some thinking. lain was something. it did something to me. other concepts of this, in the same vein of
communication with infinity bother me, but in a way i could become transfixed for hours studying, listening, etc

oh, i also saw merky for her birthday and we hung out. :3
her car is very loud and i think its cool
~
meox
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Thu Jun 11 05:48:18 AM PDT 2026
also, damn it, i had to fix the script. gpg was giving me weird errors. i doubt anyone will have a use for this, but

#!/bin/bash

#call gpg with stdin and append to site
message=$(cat)
printf "$(date)
$message
~
meox" | gpg --clear-sign -u meox -o - >> /mnt/servers/website/user/meox/writing/blog.txt

here ya go
~
meox
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Thu Jun 11 03:19:02 PM PDT 2026
what is the internet? when does a communication network go from a communication network to the internet? if you had two seperate internets, and then linked them through a node, say an internet on earth and one on mars, do you
have two connected internets? or one internet that is fragile because it is connected by a single node that can be broken? how many connecting nodes would have to be between those two points before you really get a connected
internet? what if we establish communication with aliens, and they have their own internet, and latency between the communication is on the order of 57 years? would those be the internet?

on a smaller example, if the internet is simple communication between devices, people perhaps, whats to say a group of friends isnt its own seperated internet? if one, maybe two of them have a browser open, are they all the internet?
devices can talk, and not be using tcp/ip, but they are still communicating over the internet. say you had two dishes beaming lora data to each other. this data is not bytes of tcp/ip, but a different protocol.
if you connected one device to bridge to an irc room, is that whole lora network part of the internet? is tor part of the internet? i2p?

communication seems to be a thing that all humans worship. being able to talk to someone over the internet, across the country, on the other side of the world...
we transmit data. incessantly. we are seemingly driven to talk, to communicate, to send.
does the data want to be sent? is the data we send God? are the protocols complicated scriptures describing how to make prayers, prophecies, and offerings?

every action sends some data. without any action there is no data. God is here, and It is entropy
~
meox
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Thu Jun 11 03:20:28 PM PDT 2026
fixed script
```
#!/bin/zsh

export GPG_TTY=$(tty)
#call gpg with stdin and append to site
message=$(cat)
printf "$(date)
$message
~
meox" | gpg --clear-sign -u meox -o - >> /mnt/servers/website/user/meox/writing/blog.txt
```
~
meox
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hi guys. im at this seti thing and met some people. its like this movie/conference thing? its pretty cool. i met some people who just came cause aliens, but i like the radio and telescopes. ill post again when i get home
~
meox
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